Controlling and Letting Go

Controlling and Letting Go

Thanks to our artists, we all pretend well; but deep down the layer of pretense is the awareness of the underlying reality. To suppress that reality, we turn to controlling, which is a subconscious way to enhance the reality of our expectations in life.

Most of us are controlling to some extent. Thanks to our culture, underlying every one of us is the inherent belief that we should be in control of everything around us at all times. The American culture advocates control for self-independence and survival.

What exactly is controlling? Why makes people want to control others as well as their own destinies?

Controlling is a coward way of running away from everyday problems; it is a futile attempt to avoid everyday stress. Essentially, it is a direct or subtle way of exerting influence over others so that we may have power over the turns of events in our own lives. In other words, we delude ourselves into thinking that we can make things happen the way we want them to happen in our lives through control and manipulation of others, including ourselves.

Reflective Thought

Control and discipline may look similar but they are different.

Case in Point

We can discipline our children so that they may do the right things without getting into trouble. But many of us still want to “control” them even when they have turned adults; we may want to steer them away from the difficult paths we had trotted ourselves when we were young. That, in reality, is controlling. We can give them advice, but imposing anything on them is deemed as exerting control. “It’s for their own good!” is no more than an excuse to control.

Reflective Thought

Not controlling means willingness in letting go of one’s expectations in life.

Case in Point

The Biblical story of the parable of the prodigal son is a good illustration of what is NOT controlling. (Luke 15: 11-32) In the story, a man had two sons, and the younger son asked for his fortune; the father gave it to him, and he spent it recklessly on women  and gambling. When he was out of money and the land was struck by a famine, he returned home to his father, who welcomed him back with open arms. To many, the story highlights God's forgiveness of repentant sinners. But the story also illustrates the power of letting go and not controlling. 

THE BOOK OF LIFE AND LIVING explains in simple language with common everyday examples to illustrate the essence of Tao wisdom and how it may integrate with conventional wisdom to live a life of your choice.

 THE BOOK OF LIFE AND LIVING is the wisdom in the art of living well.

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

Why Good Posture

If you wish to live long, improve posture. Good posture holds the key to longevity

Physical activity extends longevity; it is one of the closest things to an anti-aging pill for longevity. Physical activity invigorates the whole body system, keeping it in its optimum conditions. Unfortunately, there is often a dramatic decline in physical activity as aging continues. Partly, it is due to the onslaught of diseases and disorders, which incapacitate an individual. Partly, it is due to poor posture acquired by that individual over the years.

Why is good posture so important, and why is it often neglected?

If you have good posture, you have good body balance, which prevents falling—one of the most common causes of death in the elderly. As a matter of fact, falling is the 2nd leading cause of death in women aged between 65 and 85, and the leading cause of death for most individuals over 85. Improve posture to improve body balance to prevent falling, which is due to weak body muscles, aggravated and perpetuated by incorrect posture.

Another good reason for good posture is to avoid debilitating back pain, neck pain, leg pain, and even headaches, which often interfere with longevity living. Due to poor body posture, all the muscle groups supporting the crooked spine become stretched and strained, causing wear and tear, resulting in lower back pain. In addition, an arched lower back exerts undue pressure on the joints and nerves, causing joint pain and rheumatism.

There is yet another good reason to improve posture: enhanced breathing. Healthy breathing not only provides ample oxygen to your lungs for long-term longevity health, but also nourishes, in the form of qi (internal vital life energy), different parts of your body for maximum growth and rejuvenation. Good posture contributes to breathing right. Incidentally, rodents, with the shortest breaths in the animal kingdom, also have the shortest lifespan. Therefore, breathing correctly is an important component of longevity. But you cannot breathe right without correct posture.

Despite the importance of good posture for longevity, correct posture is often overlooked because there is no one constantly reminding you to improve posture. To successfully improve posture, you must develop an acute awareness for good posture at all times.

• Your head is directly above your shoulders.
• Your chin is tucked in.
• Your ear, shoulder, and hip are in a straight line from a side view.
• Your upper back is straight, not slouched.
• Your shoulders, relaxed and straight, are flat against your back.
• Your pelvis is in a neutral position.
• Your knees are unlocked.

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

Forward Head Posture Fix :  It fixes your ugly forward head posture to make you not only look younger but also feel healthier. Unlike other posture programs which focus on stretching exercises, this unique program focuses closely on the “sequential flow”. In other words, it isn’t necessarily about what exercises and stretches are performed, more about completing them in the right sequence in order to open up and “unravel” the neck so you can begin to fix your Forward Head Posture and restore balance to your body.

Why Prayers Not Answered

Asking Questions About Prayers Not Answered

There’s an old proverb that says: “He who cannot ask cannot live.” Life is all about asking questions, and seeking answers from all the questions asked.

Albert Einstein once said: “Thinking is difficult; that’s why so few people do it.”

Thinking is a process of self-intuition through asking relevant questions to create self-awareness and self-reflection. It’s the natural habit of the human mind to try to solve all problems by asking questions. Through the process of solving problems, the human mind may then make things happen.

So, asking all relevant questions is self-empowerment of the human mind to increase wisdom because it initiates the intent to learn, to discover, and then to change for the better.

Here are some of the questions you may want to ask yourself concerning why your prayers are seldom answered, or not answered at all:

What’s a prayer?

Jesus said: “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” (Matthew 7:7) Is a prayer just your way of asking for something that you want or desire?

Is it your personal request to the Creator to make something happen or not happen in your life?

Is it your conversation or a means of communication with the Creator to further develop your relationship with Him?

Is it your way of seeking advice from the Creator to help you deal with your own life’s problems and challenges?

Is it your asking the Creator for His blessings that you think you may be entitled to?

Or is it none of the above?

How often is a prayer said or offered?

Before getting up, and before going to bed?

Several times throughout the day, such as before your meals?

While attending a religious service?

Seldom, if ever, unless expressing with your condolences to someone you’re feeling sorry for?

What’s spirituality?

For a believer, spirituality is the inexplicable communication and the subtle relationship with God.

For a non-believer, spirituality is the invisible connection to a Higher Being, who seems to have inexplicable control over certain things in life, such as life and death.

Even for those without a specific religion, they may still have a soul or spirit, because their spirituality is their own conscience that intuitively tells them what’s right and wrong, and not just following the laws and orders of their country. 

In many ways, spirituality is like a shadow that follows us: sometimes we see more of it, and sometimes we see less of it; but it’s always there, forever following us wherever we go, whether we like it or not. Spirituality is always present whenever we focus less on ourselves and more on others.

Does God exist?

Many do believe that God exists—but His existence is no more than the existence of the sun, the moon, and the planets.

Few believe that God plays a pivotal role in their daily lives.

Even fewer believe that they can somehow communicate with God in their daily prayers.

WHY PRAYERS ARE SELDOM ANSWERED

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

The Chinese Approach to Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)

The Chinese Approach to Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS)

Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) is becoming an epidemic in the United States, affecting more than 25 million people, and 70 percent of them being women.

IBS is a disorder of the intestines, resulting in pain, bloating, gassiness, and changes in bowel movements.

The Chinese approach to IBS is based on the concept of balance and harmony between yin and yang. In Chinese medicine, the liver not only stores the blood but also regulates the amount of blood in circulation. Hence, the health of the liver is dependent on the sufficiency of blood for nourishment.

Chinese medicine is also about qi, which is internal life energy. The good circulation of qi contributes to optimum health; on the contrary, the stagnation of qi affects the normal functioning of the spleen, which plays a pivotal role in the circulation of body fluids, as well as oxygen and nutrients for nourishment and maintenance of body organs, especially those of the digestive system. Given that IBS is about movement and transportation of foods in the digestive system, the spleen has a critical role in the digestive health with respect to digestion processes and their related diseases.

In Chinese medicine, pensiveness or over-thinking affects the general health of the spleen, resulting in loss of appetite, abdominal bloating after meals, and indigestion in general.

In Chinese medicine, "dampness" (both internal and external) may damage the spleen and weaken its functions. For example, foods, such a sugars and dairy products, create “internal dampness” in the spleen. Flour products, such as bread, noodles and pasta, are dampening, because wheat (as opposed to rice) is dampening by nature. All oils and fats are also dampening by nature, and hence spleen-damaging. By the same token, all milk products are dampening.

 The best diet for the spleen is a clear, bland diet of unrefined grains, such as brown rice and beans, and low-fat meat, with lightly cooked vegetables.

Stephen Lau

Copyright © by Stephen Lau

The Ego and Why Prayers Are Not Answered

If your “prayers not answered” meaning your “expectations not fulfilled”, maybe you’d like to ask why not? Yes, many of us would like to ask the same question, whether we pray or not. Indeed, many of our expectations in life are seldom or never fulfilled.

Lao Tzu recommends the wisdom of reverse thinking, which is thinking backward to find out the origin of something.

“Expectations not fulfilled” has its origin from the ego.

The Ego

What’s an ego? Do we all have an ego?

An ego is an identity of any individual. Yes, we all have an ego, with no exception.

As soon as a baby begins his or her perceptions through the five senses, that baby begins to develop an identity, such as “this toy is mine” and “I want this.” There’s nothing wrong with that initial identification. However, as time passes by, the human ego continues to expand and inflate to the extent that it may become problematic.

Well, what exactly is an ego, or the ego-self?

Simply look at yourself in front of a mirror. What do you see?

A self-reflection. Is it for real? Can you touch it? Not really; it’s only a reflection of someone real—the real you in front of the mirror!

Now, do something totally different. Place a baby—if there’s one immediately available—in front of the mirror. See what happens. The baby might crawl toward the baby in the mirror. Why? It’s because the baby in front of the mirror might think that the baby in the mirror is another baby, and just not his or her own reflection.

Likewise, the ego-self may look real, but it isn’t real. To think otherwise is self-deception.

How You May Have Become What You Are

Descartes, the great French philosopher, made his very famous statement: “I think, therefore I am.” Accordingly, you think and you then become what you think you are—the byproducts of all your thoughts and your own thinking.

Unfortunately, Descartes’ famous statement is only partially true: it’s true that you identify yourself with all your thoughts projected into your thinking mind; but it’s not true that your identities thus created by your thoughts and your own thinking truly reflect your true self. The fact of the matter is that you’re not your thoughts, and your thoughts are not you. To think otherwise is a human flaw, which is no more than self-illusion or self-delusion. In other words, you’re not what and who you think you really are.

Gradually, all your life experiences with their own respective messages—the pleasant as well as the unpleasant, the positive as well as the negative—are all stored at the back of your subconscious mind in the form of your assumptions, attitudes, causal concepts, and memories.

Accumulated over the years, millions and billions of such experiences and messages have become the raw materials with which you subconsciously weave the fabrics of your life, making you who and what you have now become—or so you think. In other words, they’ve now become your “realities” or your ego-self.

Why Prayers Are Seldom Answered

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

Human Natural Gift

HUMAN NATURAL GIFT

We were all born with a natural gift -- freedom from anxiety and fear, expectation and regret, ambition and disappointment. However, as we grow older, we knowingly or unknowingly abuse or misuse that natural gift.

This is how.

We begin to develop our sensations and become affected by them. We all have our five senses: seeing, hearing, touching, smelling, and tasting; they then become our perceptions and sensations that are stored as memories in our subconscious minds. Over the long haul, these accumulative experiences form our beliefs and personalities, and make us who we are. In other words, these memories become our bondage and we no longer have that innate freedom.

It is difficult to regain that natural gift once we have relinquished it. To illustrate, if we experienced something unpleasant in the past, we might have anxiety and fear that it would happen again. On the other hand, if we experience something pleasant, we would expect it to happen again; our expectations begin to precondition our minds to do certain things that we think will enable us to fulfill that expectations; by doing so, we pick and choose; any wrong choice or decision may lead to regret. By the same token, disappointment may be the consequence of ambition. 

How do we regain that natural gift?

Understand the natural cycle of things. Everything follows a natural cycle: what goes up must come down; the cycle is like the four seasons, or day and night. We, as humans, naively believe that we can change the natural order of things, deluding ourselves into thinking that we can make things happen the way we want them. Not following the natural order stems from the human ego. Accepting things as they are is the pathway to true human wisdom  It is by no means a passive outlook of life: we do what we can, and no more, and with no expectation and no judgment, 

“Good fortune and misfortune are all in one.

Seeking one and rejecting the other,
we become completely confused.”
(Chapter 58, Tao Te Ching)

 “There is no gain without loss.

There is no abundance without lack.
We do not know how and when
one gives way to the other.”
(Chapter 42, Tao Te Ching)

The Complete TAO TE CHING in Plain English

Stephen Lau

Copyright © Stephen Lau

Letting Go

The Wisdom of Letting Go

First and foremost, you must know and understand human wisdom before you can learn how to let go.

Albert Einstein once said: “Thinking is difficult; that’s why so few people do it.”

Wisdom has much to do with your thinking mind: how it perceives and processes life experiences, as well as what questions it asks to seek the relevant answers.

The Wisdom of Asking Questions

According to Thomas Berger, “The art and science of asking questions is the source of all knowledge.” Therefore, your wisdom comes from the application to your everyday life and living all the knowledge you may have acquired through asking questions.

There is an old proverb that says: “He who cannot ask cannot live.” Life is all about asking questions, and seeking answers from all the questions asked, including questions about “letting go.”

Thinking is a process of self-intuition through asking relevant questions to create self-awareness and self-reflection. It is the natural habit of the human mind to solve all problems by asking relevant questions and seeking answers from them. Through the process of solving problems, the human mind may then make things happen.

Empower your thinking mind to increase its wisdom by asking questions to initiate its intent to learn, to discover, and then to change youself for the better.

What Is “Letting Go”?

“Letting go” literally means releasing your close or tight fist in order to abandon or give up something that you are holding in your hand. If you are close- or tight- fisted, you also cannot receive anything. “Letting go” is detachment.

The opposite of “letting go” is “attaching to” something that you are stubbornly holding on to.

To live well, you need to ask yourself many other self-probing questions as you continue on your life journey in order to find out: who you really are, and not who you think or wish you were; what you really need, and not what you want from life; why certain undesirable things happened while certain desirable things did not happen to you. Without knowing the answers to those questions asked, you can never be genuinely happy because you will always be looking for the unreal and the unattainable, just like the carrot-and-stick mule forever reaching out for the unreachable carrot in front.

In many ways, the human brain is like a computer program. Your whole being is like the computer hardware with the apparatus of a mind, a body, and its five senses. The lens through which you see yourself, as well as others and the world around you, are the software that has been programmed by your thoughts, your past and present experiences, as well as your own desires and expectations. In other words, it is you—and nobody else—who have programmed your own mindset. All these years, you may have been trapped in a constricted sense of the self that has prevented you from knowing and being who you really are. That is to say, your “conditioned” thinking mind may have erroneously made you "think" and even "believe" that you are who and what you are right now; but nothing could be further from the truth.

By asking relevant questions, you may have the human wisdom to "change" that pre-conditioned mindset, and thus enabling you to separate the truths from the half-truths or even the myths that you may have created for yourself voluntarily or involuntarily all these years.

The important thing in questioning is to experience everything related to all the questions you ask concerning yourself, others, and the world around you. Live every question in its full presence.

Always ask yourself many “how” and “why” questions regarding whatever you may do, say, and want in your everyday life and living. Ask questions not just about yourself, but also about all those around you, whether they are connected to your or not.

Be patient toward all those questions that you cannot find the answers right away. Enlightenment may dawn on you one day when you ask fewer or even no more questions, because by then you may already have got all the answers; that is your ultimate self-awakening to the truths.

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

How You Process Your Life Experiences

We process our experiences in different ways in different phases of our lives. All our thoughts associated with these experiences are indelibly etched in our subconscious minds, and inevitably creating our different feelings, both positive and negative ones, in different phases in our lives, and they are all instrumental in creating our own attachments over the long haul.

The Development Phase

Throughout the early phase of growth and development, young children are exposed to the world around them through their five senses. Their minds begin to process whatever they perceive, generalize, and then apply them whenever and wherever they may think appropriate—they become the foundation of their experiences and perceptions, which subsequently create the expectations in their adult lives. For example, when properly taught, they begin to show appreciation, as demonstrated by their saying their first “thank you.”

During this critical first phase, their mental input is automatic and passive because their immature minds are unable to filter their mental input; their thoughts are merely a micro reflection of the minds of their parents.

As they grow up, however, they begin to learn how to refuse processing any unpleasant experience, or interpret it in the way they choose according to its relevance to their lives. Their selectivity then begins to alter how they process their life experiences in the future.

In this learning phase, children and young adults are learning incessantly, trying to understand and make sense out of the complex world they are living in. In this intensive learning phase, they begin to discern their respective roles they are going to play, always looking for inspiration and direction from their parents or people around them.

The Transitional Phase

Even though every phase of a person’s life is important, none is more critical than the transitional phase from adolescence to adulthood. As young adults, the world around them becomes more complex and complicated. In addition, everything around them also becomes increasingly exciting as experienced by the five senses, such as music and sex. But their self-delusions created by the way they process their own experiences may make them see more of the excitement and less of the reality of their world.

This is a critical phase for most of them because it defines not only who they are but also what they value; it sets the foundation for the way that the rest of their lives is likely to turn out because their thoughts are a preview of what their future lives would be like.

The Consolidation Phase

As they turn into full-grown adults, they begin to think more than just about themselves: they may begin to focus more on people around them. They may have their own life callings: career, health, love, or family; in other words, what they are meant to do with their lives. With passion and bliss, they may begin to define who they are. Being strong physically and mentally, they are in the most productive phase in their lives. During this phase, they merely respond and react, either positively or negatively, to their experiences presented to them in the form of career, marriage, and parenting.

This is a phase in which they consolidate their past experiences, and continue to build their future lives on that foundation. If they avail themselves of the opportunity to accept others as they are, and to become appreciative of what life has to offer, they may then develop the quality of acceptance and appreciation in the form of love and forgiveness, compassion and empathy—they will then have their lasting effects on their future life experiences.

The Letting-Go Phase

With advancement in age, and as age begins to take its toll on the body and the mind, most of the life habits that control how they should live have become well established. Their thoughts, based on decades of their past experiences, now dominate their thinking, and hence control how they live the rest of their lives. At this point, it may be difficult, if not impossible, to alter the way they process their experiences and perceptions—just as the saying goes: “It is difficult to teach an old dog new tricks.”

In this final phase in their lives, unfortunately, they have to learn letting go, whether they like it or not. Everything begins to slip away from their lives: their youth, their health, and inevitably their minds too.

All in all, how the mind processes experiences and perceptions determines the type of person you are and will become. The happenings in your life are real, but the way you process and perceive them may positively or negatively affect your life because they are stored in your subconscious mind, which may either give you valuable life lessons, or create delusions and self-deceptions that may not only confuse you but also lead you astray. True human wisdom, therefore, plays a pivotal role in how the thinking mind processes all life experiences and their respective expectations.

Get the wisdom to let go.

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau

Let Go of Attachments

ATTACHMENTS IN LIFE

We all have attachments in life. Letting go is the readiness and willingness to let go of all attachments in life. The following are some of the most common attachments:

Attachment to the ego-self

Attachment to the ego-self is the most difficult to let go of, given that conventional wisdom focuses so much on “self,” such as the emphasis on the importance of “self-esteem,” that we become not only “self-conscious” but also “self-centered.”

Attachment to material things

The mind identifies with material possessions to create the ego-self. Many of us identify ourselves with a certain social status when we belong to a certain social group or drive a certain luxury car.

Thinking questions

Why am I driving a Mercedes?

Is it really better than a Toyota?

Attachment to time

Many of us think that time is precious, and wish that we had more than 24 hours a day. We no longer have the time to appreciate the beauty of nature, because we have become overwhelmed by our daily problems and the time needed to solve them. Indeed, many of us are forever time-stressed.

Attachment to time means the reluctance to live in the present moment. Unfortunately, the present moment is the only reality in life, and the only moment during which one can objectively validate past thoughts and future projections that continuously filter through the subconscious mind, enticing it to form identities—which become the components of the ego-self.

According to the wisdom of Tao, attachments are the sources of human pain and suffering.

“Fame or self: Which matters more?

Self or wealth: Which is more precious?

Gain or loss: Which is more painful?

He who is attached to things will suffer much.

He who saves will suffer heavy loss.

A contented man is never disappointed.

He who knows when to stop does not find himself in trouble.

He will stay forever safe.”

(Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching, Chapter 44)

Attachments to the material world are the sources of human miseries and unhappiness, because they seldom become realities and they generate only desire and control that ultimately create a vicious circle of miseries and unhappiness.

The Wisdom of Letting Go

Stephen Lau

Copyright© by Stephen Lau